Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Dear Grandson

I am writing this because, while I know you don't believe me now, there was so much I didn't or couldn't say.  So, I am saying it here.

First, I truly am sorry I could not be what you thought I should be.  I am who I am.  I tried to tell you that before.  I know, you are used to the loving, giving, kind ladies that allowed you to be and do whatever you chose around them.  I get that, but I am not that.  I have to and will always have to take care of me first.  You will understand that more as you get older.

Second, I am also sorry that you got caught in the middle of your mother and my drama.  It wasn't fair.  I truly hope that you both make a real effort to become a family again.  She can be even more difficult than I am, but she seems to be able to at least pretend all is well no matter what is going on.  Remember what I told you - "Never allow another person's opinion of anyone run your opinion of yourself or someone else" - even if we don't agree, you know I am right.  You have to decide on your life, not me, not your mother or father, or anyone else.

Third, Love hurts.  It always has and it always will.  Real love is not what happens between the sheets and a woman that truly loves you will be able to be as giving as you expect.  Just remember that you don't own anyone, they don't own you and if you NEED them in your life, it is not love.  If you WANT them in your life, it is love.

Fourth, you asked me once what I would have done if you had decided that you didn't want to know me.  I didn't understand then what I understand now.  Grandson, I know you would like to hear how it would devastate me.  I can't say that.  I have spent my entire adult life without a relationship with you or your mother.  I have grieved the loss of all those I love, more than you will ever know.  But I would, truly, have simply grieved yet again and kept going.  I know that is not what you are looking for, but it is truth.  I never lie to you.

Fifth, remember what I told you about parenting.  I know it is not popular, but it is the truth.  You are not there to make them fat, give them expensive things, or even to support all their whims.  You are, once you are a parent, there to teach them to be good people with generous hearts, a love of life, and the ability to be productive adults.  You can't do that without letting them know that life is expensive, hard and sometimes, truly, sad.  You don't have to beat them up with those truths, but you can't teach it if you pretend that it is okay to act an ass, to demand the most expensive and to allow them to learn nothing about being a productive member of society, before they become adults.  Children need love, time with family, chores, homework, sports, books and most of all, to know that no matter what, you love them.

You are my grandson.  I am proud of you beyond your wildest imaginings.  I used to wake up at night and stand at your door, listening to you breath.  When you would smile at me, and I mean those real smiles that snuck through the facade not that other stuff, my heart would skip a beat.  I would look into your eyes and see myself, see all that you can become and most of all see that beautiful soul.

I love you.  I always will.  Grow up, marry the woman that tells you off and still wants to spend time with you, have babies that you can spoil with love (not stuff), grow old and remember that you have always had a grandmother that loves you in spite of all the flaws, crazy stuff and anger..... because You are loved... you will always be loved.  When I am gone I will still be watching, proud of my tall, beautiful grandson.  Be well.  I will always miss you - for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Depression.... Sucks to Be Me

I am guessing that life is catching up with me... I am tired.  Tired of living.  Tired of doing things that mean nothing, for no reason.  Tired of getting up every morning.  Tired of breathing..... just flat tired.

I am done with the idiocy that was my attempt to fix what I frakked up - and then I realize, I am just tired of being punished for shit I didn't do and nothing I can do can fix the insanity that belongs to someone else....

I am done caring whether or not someone else likes me or cares if I live.... It really doesn't matter.

I am past worrying about what others do....

God, one thing before you put me down...give me enough time to make sure my dog and cats go first... Cause most of all I am tired of worrying what will happen to my babies if I go before them.

For now, I will be sad, tired and feel stomped....

I hope I get over it.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Sometimes Saying Goodbye is the Only way to stay sane.

Recently, once again, my daughter and I parted ways.  I asked her to leave me alone.  I was livid.  But I wasn't able to speak about it coherently without having a total pissed off break down for a few days.

Now, while I really don't know what is going on in her world, because, like most people, she is very private about EVERYTHING.  This makes it impossible to get to know her or to trust that what she says is true or even remotely real.  I tried to tell her that at one point, but hit a wall.  Which is fine.  So, I can only address my side of this.

First, last January after a sudden year long silence, my daughter spoke to me as if nothing had happened or changed.  This is not all that unusual, except the circumstances of her speaking up were different.  I had been getting to know her sons.  Her first words "Well, you finally got what you always wanted" - which was, to me, a challenge and anger.

After talking, sort of for several months.... texting, etc. She was still not at the point where she wanted to give me a phone number and frankly, I didn't want to trust her and had no previous experience with her that would allow me to simply make a first move.  Then, her son moved in with me.  Suddenly there were phone calls, etc.

The warning bells in my head were banging so loudly that I could not even hear myself think.  I had done this before with her.  I knew, from previous experience, that she really had no intention of a relationship with me, but was looking for an "in" into her son's life.  I was fine with that.  But my heart kept pushing me to trust and to try to let it go.... so I did.

Then, when her son and I were at loggerheads, instead of listening to me and helping me to see things in a different way... she goaded a fight.  She threatened me in public and thought that, because I was pissed off, I was putting her son down.  The truth was, I was looking for answers that weren't coming from inside of me.  I am a very different generation from the one that now are becoming young adults.

After messages back and forth, and then a total realization that this was the way she wanted to end it, I said fine.  Goodbye, don't come back.

I think that is pretty normal.  After all, we don't necessarily have to be part of each other's lives.  The thing is, I am still hurting.  I am sure, from past experience, that she is delighted.  After all, she has contact with her son and I am not in contact with anyone.  She, through me, has achieved something that she could not do on her own for over 10 years - contact her son.  I told her not to return to my world - while I was still in flames - and while, for the most part, I still feel that way.  I really think that I needed to explain better....which of course will never happen.

I simply can't be what she and her son want me to be.  I am not the sweet, quiet little old lady with money that I can just spend like water.  I am, in fact, a vibrant, alive young woman (54 is pretty young these days), that barely makes a living, has a busy life and really can't support other people or their wants and needs. I can love, emotionally support, let you crash for a few days free on my couch - but not live with me or have me pay for your trips, wants, needs, desires.... TRULY.

When I approached her, trying to calm down, she flamed me... that is when I knew that I was, as always, nothing more than a means to an end.  I can't even begin to understand how I was such a sucker.

The truth is, unless she wants to do the work - which has not been my experience - I don't want her in my life.  I don't want a friend that is not really a friend, or someone to chat about crafts or hair with - I have all of those in other people.  I am not up for shallow friendships and never have been.

What I want is a normal, rocks, snot, boulders and good times, relationship with the woman that I gave birth to... which is not something she is able to do.  It breaks my heart.  To know that I will never have that with the only progeny I have - or with my grandsons.... but it is honest.  So, when I asked that she not return to my life, I meant "Don't come back again as long as this is what you think is okay" - because the truth is, it isn't okay with me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Trending: Yes, I am Evil....

If you blog long enough, you start to notice some things that the average reader is unaware of.  Especially when you blog as controversially as I seem to do.  Things like when a certain reader/stalker is pissed off at you, suddenly a small specific cluster of readers suddenly is much more interested in your blog.

Recently one of my reader/stalkers (I have two for sure), has decided to be mad at me again.  The reasons are not really important, since no matter what I say, the followers will not hear me.  But the response was all but immediate.....

IP "A" - the original person who is pissed off hit my page -

Within 24 hours - 4 other IP's that only appear immediately after IP"A" is pissed off - well, they all appear.  They don't read my blog any other time, nor do they read any pages that IP"A" has not read.


You seem know or be acquainted with IP"A" - either online or in person (I tend to believe it is online since the IP's are states apart) - but you don't know me at all.

You are following someone into a conversation that you only know a little about - I hope that your hate is as silent... I keep getting told that some of you are spreading the word about the horrible person that I am.

The truth is, you don't know what you are talking about, except that you like IP"A" and that you feel you are supporting them.  I am certain, historically, the people that supported Stalin and Mussolini felt the same way - they liked them so they supported them, even though they had no idea of the least at first.

I wish you well, but I really feel sorry for you.  Truly, I am not a good person.  I know this, IP"A" has told me this for years.  I am good with who I am.  I feel pity for you.  One day you will find out that thinking for yourself would be better that toting around someone else's hate and anger.

Bless you.  

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Not the "Good Mother" - Do You Think I Really Care?

Recently I have been inundated with adopted person messages on how I should be the "good mother."  At first I wasn't sure what the frak they were talking about, then I got clued in.... so here is the explanation of "Good Birth Mother" that I have been told:

  1. Always take responsibility for the negative issues that your adopted child has... after all you are the abandoner.
  2. NEVER say that you have feelings...after all you gave up the right to be human.
  3. ALWAYS allow adoptees to tell you how to think and feel about adoption...they are the "victims" and you are the "culprit"
  4. Never say "no" -to anything we want.  You have to make up for all of the "horrors" of our lives.
  5. Never say "I want" - your wants are not important.
This is what I have been told over and over for almost 15 years (even before I reunited - found - whatever - my daughter).  

Over time I have realized that while these terms weren't as black and white as they are above, they really are the rules that we are supposed to abide by.  We aren't' allowed to do anything that might upset an adoptee... this is not healthy and I choose to not play.

Saying that, oh wait, I am now the "bad birth canal" - you know, that woman that just can't seem to just give what is asked, not ask for anything (especially respect) and do whatever the adoptee wants.  Yep, that would be me.

The truth is that self-respect has been taught to me from early in life.  My father told me, after he beat the shit out of me for running away and getting raped, that if you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.

He was right.  

I have found that I like me best of all when I simply do what is right, good and kind and, most of all, what makes me happy.  Which is doing things that are good and kind.... simple right?

Not if you are a birth canal.  Seriously?!

For those of you that don't get it - sarcasm is us!  If you don't like your First Mother because she disagrees with you, doesn't do what you want, or thinks that she deserves that little bit of respect, then you will hate me....

I will be respected or I won't be part of your life... period.  I have learned that "unconditional love" has nothing to do with the way people do things now - I will always love my daughter, no matter what she does.  Will I have her in my life? NO CHANCE!  There is that other thing that is part of it - she thinks like most adopted people that gave me all those lovely rules... thus, she can live her life, I will live mine.  

If you don't like it - don't come here.  I am good with that.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Too PC? Or just dumb as dirt?

Honestly, I am beginning to see what the detractors of the "Politically Correct" movement of the 90s meant when they said we were going overboard.  If you see a child on the sidewalk, bare feet, ragged clothes, runny nose, no adults around, what do you do?  When I was a child, adults would find out who the kid was and where their parents were, and return them to those parents.  Today, someone would call CPS, claim that they watched the child for "hours" (because you know CPS, they don't act unless it is dire) and then wait for the police and social workers to come and traumatize the child further.  Justified?  Maybe - but what if you saw the child, runny nose, ragged clothes, bare feet, and they were in front of an apartment.  Around them was sidewalk chalk and a big bottle of water..... Not 30 feet from where the child was, there was an open doorway with a screen door between you and who or what was inside... what then?  Most people would still call CPS.  Why?  You might really want to know, considering it is obvious that this child is playing and that the open door is probably his home.

The answer is simple... because we as a society have somehow devolved from being neighborly to flat out nosy and judgmental.  And, because of this, our need to be "right" - aka "politically correct" is almost as strong as our need to force our religious beliefs down the throats of the unwary.  After all, who lets a child get a runny nose and play outside - in the sunshine, with chalk!  Without someone right there to make sure that they aren't getting hurt..... who!!! Just horrible abusive people, that's who.

The truth is 40 years ago half of my neighborhood played outside in front of their homes, no matter what kind of home it was... from Hogan to Penthouse.  We knew that our parents weren't far and that other adults - the good ones - would be watching to make sure no one bothered us.  It wasn't perfect, but the fact is that far fewer children entered foster care under these circumstances than they do now... and even fewer children vanished out of their yards than do today.  Why is that?  After all, people really haven't changed have they?

Yes, they have.  40 years ago if a child was playing alone, some adult was close by and they paid attention to who was around and what was going on.  Even if the child was not theirs, but the kid from down the block.  And if you got dragged home by the scruff of your neck for bad behavior, good parents didn't yell at the adult bringing you home - heck no!  You got yelled at!  You had to take responsibility for the naughty stuff you did.

Also, kids weren't so entitled.  Yes, your kid is entitled.  How many kids have cell phones by 6th grad or sooner?  I know for a fact that over 90% do indeed have some type of electronic device that they "demanded" from parents and got. But why is that?  Because we convinced ourselves that we had to keep up with the Kardashians - our kids had to have the most expensive, etc., or at minimum at least their own cell phone.... FOR WHAT?  Seriously, most kids see their friends all day long, then come home and go back out to hang out with their .... you guessed it!...friends.  The only phone they need is the one that just calls home... as in no other number, no internet, no nothing but home... or 911 in an emergency.  Guess what else that means....

It means that your kid can't be bullied online, because they don't have a presence online..... duh - get it?  It also means that they can't be online bullies either.  Also, it means that they won't be sending naked, penis/vagina pics to each other or calling their friends or other people in school.... wait, that would mean that they would have to be paying attention - then all the efforts to educate them might pay off!!!!

The fact is most of this non-sense started when people decided that they had to be so PC that they weren't even considering what they were doing, but trying to look good for the world.  We need to stop worrying about how our children are dumbing down and start figuring out why it is so much easier to just pay someone to do their work, or better yet, start figuring out why the greedy people can control us - (consider how many of you will buy something for a child because they "will just die without it" - and how much that really costs).

Just sayin!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Compulsory Reporting.... The Family Issue

As a new teacher, one of the things that is scariest to me is that I am now required, by law, to report abuse that I see.  Not just in my classroom, but anywhere.  And, since I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my biological daughter and her two children, it makes it even harder.  Not that she is abusing her kids - not at all - but that it can happen to them.

The laws in Arizona and most other States definitively state that if an educator is aware of anything that can be construed as abuse, they must report the issue to their local agencies... even if they are not sure that it is real.  If a teacher is found to have knowledge of abuse and not have reported this abuse, they can be jailed.

So, as a new teacher, one with grandchildren, I am often terrified that I will see or hear something that will make me the "reporting" entity.  So far, not so, but OMG, it is a scary thought!

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Sometimes I Just Ask The Moon

When I woke this morning,
The sun streaming into my room,
I rolled over hoping,
That it was just the moon.

I waited quietly, hoping,
Maybe I was mistaken,
The sun was the moon,
The day wasn't already there.

When the sun didn't leave,
The day full on came,
To do this and that,
To fill up and tire me out.

The evening fell again,
I lay quietly waiting,
Because this time it was okay,
To just ask the Moon.

(c) Lori Trevino 9-12-2015

Monday, September 7, 2015

Thoughts Aloud

Sadly free,
Yet relieved,
I move forward,
The sky is beautiful,
The day is sweet...

Living is a gift.

(c) Lori Trevino 9-7-15

Racism, We are Teaching it Through Our Efforts to Eradicate it.

I am white.  I was born that way.  My parents did not teach me to be unkind to others or judge them because they were born black, or red or yellow or brown.  While I understand racism and I understand the "privilege" that I was "born" into, I do not understand why I am supposed to feel guilty because I am white.  I have been the victim of racism perpetrated by people who are not white.  I have seen and heard racism by white people.  There is no difference.

I was not born 200 years ago, so there is no way I participated in anything as horrific as owning another human being.  I have seen violence committed on other people because of the color of their skin - both black and white people.  I have never participated and will stop it if I see it.  I do not see the value in allowing hate to grow.

I am Christian.  I do not believe in allowing hatred.  Racism is hatred.  Hatred grows when fingers are pointed at one group or another as the perpetrators of "all the worlds ills" - why are we pointing fingers.  Why do we not acknowledge, teach and create understanding?  Why do we have to point fingers, and fail to see what is right in front of us?

I will not put any "hate" postings on my blog.  That includes anything that teaches hate, pretends to be supporting or making fun of those that are supposedly worthy of hate or that pushes an agenda that ultimately can reach the extreme and unstable humans of our universe.  That includes things that teach that being white is tantamount to being racist.  These kinds of postings will eventually reach the "crazy" bunch and become more and more acts of racist hate.  RACISM is something that every race struggles with, both as the perpetrator and the victim.

Every time a person posts on social media, they are making a statement about who they are.  They are choosing to put their feelings out there.  This is something that I have been told, repeatedly.  However, the problem is that a lot of "generalizations" out there.  Things like ant-white propaganda have been circulating the web have become so common, we forget that while we want to educate people about the past and how racism, discrimination and bigotry are evil, they are not mutually exclusive to one race or another.  

In Mexico, according to Mexican history books, until a "Indian" man became president, the only people deemed worthy to hold power were of either mostly Spanish or mostly southern European decent.  

In Panama, from my own experiences, if you are dark skinned, you are less likely to be hired for a high paying job, no matter what education level you have attained.

Japan, China and Korea have, historically and even now, treated children of mixed race as beings not worthy of the title "human."

Apartheid was racism that was extreme, but it was still racism.

In many countries, while they don't seem to be airing their laundry to the world, racism is alive and well.  So, when you feel the need to point out how horrible the United States are, remember this - racism is alive and well all around the globe.

If you are the person that is black and you are calling yourself "nigga" - you are creating a negative picture and denigrating yourself and others.

If you are that white person and you are acting like you somehow are responsible for the entirety of racism in the U.S., you are creating a negative picture and perpetuating a new kind of racism.

GET IT?  You have to treat others the way you want to be treated.  You have to respect people's cultures, race, sexual identity, sexual orientation, age, and all the other factors that make us wonderfully valuable and unique.  If you can't, without pretending not to see it, you are racist.  And YES, you can be racist about your own race....which is sad to say the least.