Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Saturday, November 21, 2015

The Anonymous Caller.....

A lot of folks have given me crap over the last decade because I absolutely will not tolerate chicken shit behavior from anyone... even myself.  A statement which doesn't appear to make sense if you are just reading the title of the blog entry... However, read on...

Dear "Anonymous Caller" (I use that term loosely, since I am pretty sure it is someone that made the choice to leave my world),

If you want to hear my voice, stop calling me anonymously.  Because, and I say this with total and absolute honesty, I really will not hang up, at least not at first.  However, I don't promise that I will have much to say to you.  That and, in the spirit of honesty, I have blocked all anonymous calls from coming into my phone... and my cell, well, it has never accepted "unknown caller" calls.

It isn't that I don't appreciate the attention, after all, I love being woken up or bothered when I am busy, don't you?  It is because, and this is said with tired boredom, I simply don't have any more energy for people who are unwilling to see that everything is a two way street and I am not, and have never been, someone who owes them anything.... at all.

So, thank you for your daily calls, but save your nickel unless you have something real to say.... because you won't even get my voicemail.



Now, that makes sense right?  After all, don't we all wish we could just tell those people that have chosen to step out of our world (either through their own behaviors or our requests or both) to either strap on their panties and/or jock strap and act like adults?  I know I do - frequently.

I wanted to say this - because frankly, I am tired.  I am tired of people telling me that for some idiotic reason I am suddenly supposed to support the abusive behaviors of another person... a person who, and I am sad to say this is truly real, will ask me about myself, saying they want to get to know me, then they will immediately jump on anything that they see as a "discrepancy" in my story.... I mean, let's get real here, I am not 21.  I have over 50 years of history and most of it is filled with an insane amount of living.... I did not, after all jump into a hole and wait for 18 years.

I am tired of other people's opinions being something that they feel is important for me to "respect" but they have no problem whatsoever telling me that I should not feel one way or another... and making sure that I know that I do not have valid opinion or feelings.

I am too old to play the stupid blame game with a person who should be old enough to know when they are wrong, or at least old enough to know that just because it is their opinion, not everyone is going to agree..... and it isn't everyone else's fault.  The truth is, we are all, at some time in life, asshates.  We all do shit that is wrong and stupid.  But it is our issue, not everyone else's.

I am too independent to listen to someone tell me how my lifestyle is worthless.... and too smart to listen to someone trying to pick my pocket.  Because frankly, that, in my opinion is one of the lower forms of behavior... to pick a person's pocket that they claim to care about.

The truth, I think it is time for me to write that book.....

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


You can't handle my realness, my pain, my laughter, my strength, my weakness....
You can't handle the world I live in, it's joy, it's beauty, it's sorrow, it's darkness....
You can't handle the life that I have, it's beauty, it's depth, it's total aliveness....
You can't handle .... me.....

I won't live in your falsity, your cheap laugh, your fake smile, your brittle nothingness....
I won't live in the paper construct of your world, it's thin veneer, it's cheap paint, it's tawdry lies...
I won't live the non-life, it's bleak face, it's nonexistent depths, it's death....
I won't handle ..... you......

I choose the bright, beautiful, life that has pain and joy sprinkled liberally through it....
I choose to see the dark and know that it is but an interlude into the dappled sunlit glade...
I choose to swim in the shark filled strange waters, with depth and warmth and cold sharing the same space.....
I choose .... LIFE.....

(c) Lori Trevino 11-18-2015

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Waiting, Watching....Feeling

I watched my story unfold,
feeling every painful moment of it,
yet not once did I think that the world owed me anything.

I was confused by the life that didn't really suit the things I learned as a child,
By summer vacations that suddenly vanished with adult life,
By people that would reach out a hand that suddenly pulled back,
To watch me drown in the mire that was life.

I grew, loved, lost and continued,
But never once did I consider that somehow,
For some reason that I simply did not know,
There was a God that was hating me.

Maybe I did, truly, think that God hated me,
Momentarily, usually in the darkest of moments in life,
Those times that the greedy would still like put out there for others to mock.
Those times when the blood was so rich,
Spilling from my soul,
That I would have simply vanished had I allowed anyone to touch it.

In the end, I watched it all,
Realizing, with true sadness,
Most people simply don't feel the pain of the water that is poisoned,
The sky that is sickly and brown,
The small animal weeping at loss.

And I realize that all the pain in the world isn't mine,
I simply feel it more than others seem to.....
So, I will watch more and feel,
I will write and hope that one day soon there will be someone,
Someone that can feel the pain of the world,
Someone that will watch and share,
So that I can sleep.....


Late Night Thoughts...

It's funny to me that lots and lots of the adoption community has pushed and prodded me to put my story out there, however, when I state a strong opinion that doesn't mimic the "adoption community party line" my comments are deleted off the blogs... blogs supposedly set up for mothers and the support of mothers.  While I get that most of the mothers out there are terrified to "upset" their child, my thinking is not along those lines.

First, really?  I mean if you are going to call it a forum and that it is for mothers - do mothers a favor and support them - even if you don't agree.  Otherwise, it isn't a forum for mothers or our truth, it is a forum to further the "adoption communities" agenda.

Second, if you don't agree, cool, but deleting comments that don't push the party line because they might be controversial, without deleting the hate-filled judgmental bullshit is simply chicken shit.  Not that I don't respect the need to keep the peace, but frankly, I don't really care if I keep the peace anymore.  After meeting too many entitled, judgmental adoption community members, I sincerely don't give a single thought to trying to be "politically correct" anymore.  I am not now a supporter of your agenda.  It's all good.  But any good lawyer knows that if you can't totally disprove the opposition's stance, you didn't win.  But then - you should know this.

I adore most of the lovely mothers in the adoption community, but ladies, I no longer admire the way you are hanging in there.  Far too many of you will bite your tongues off before you will stand up for yourselves out of fear of losing the child that you don't actually have anyway.  The truth is so much easier to understand...when we sign those papers, we don't cut the biological bond that is and will always be real, but the person that we find in searches is not the person that we are bonded to... we are bonded to the physical being, not to the psychological person in front of us.  It took me a lot of pain and soul searching to understand that.

So, yeah, late night thinking can be negative, but it is perspective.....

First, if you have a crappy reunion, it is not about the reunion, it is about attempting to bond with a person that you have these steel cable physical bonds with and absolutely NO emotional, psychological or historical bond with.

Second, if you have a so-so reunion and you have that creepy feeling that you are being used - you probably are.  It is not about thinking badly of the person, it is about following your own instincts.  While you don't have that bond that controls behavior with them - you have to remember, that they don't have that bond either!  So, there is none of the expected behaviors between parent and child.

And finally, if you have to tiptoe around a person's feelings to have any relationship with them - you don't actually have a relationship.... you are that "friend" that just happens to get swept up in an event that is happening and no one invited to the party.  It is not fun, it is not pretty and the first time you disagree, you will find yourself sitting on the curb with a hangover alone (remember those party days - there is always that one girl or guy that ends up like that because the people there didn't care enough to bother with them, this is the same situation).

So, while you sit there and play the party games with the community, remember this, abuse and neglect are still abuse and neglect no matter what you want to think or how much you try to rationalize it.  And ladies, if you are going to support each other, remember that you don't have to agree with a person to support them... but you damn well have to remember that they came to you for that support because you offered.  If you aren't really offering it - stop pretending.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Still Awake

It's 3 a.m. and I can't sleep... my brain runs in circles.... my head aches.... I look at all the "stuff" that I know and I think....

What in the name of heaven did I even open that can for?  Seriously?

People want me to write "my story" - but if I do, a lot of people will be mad or hurt.... not because I think or said something bad about them, but because they just won't get the idea that nothing that has happened can be changed and nothing that will happen is without a design... mine or God's or least not to me.

I used to think that I needed to know stuff, to be in charge and in control.  Now I know I simply need to do and be what makes me happiest.  That happiest place is not included in most of their lives.  Most of the people I know are too busy playing politics, or whatever, to realize that it is not worth the effort... after all, why bother?  I do what I love, be who I am...

The rest can go float!

Okay - now I can go to bed..... Good Night Moon!

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Irony - The Protector/Judge

This morning as I went out to spend the little bit of cash I had for my food this week, something interesting happened.  Now, I am an early riser and the weather is lovely and cool in the mornings so I took my Reggie with me.  He loves to go for a ride.  We went to the bank, then over to Petco to pick up some pet bedding for the class guinea pig.  Petco does adoptions of dogs and other pets that are about to be put down by the city.

As I arrived I parked next to what I would consider an enormous, gas guzzling, over priced SUV with 2 or 3 children in looked to be around 3 years old and not strapped into a car seat but running around the vehicle.  I didn't notice adults, but then, I really wasn't looking that hard... the windows were rolled up and it seemed okay.  Probably someone at the Dollar Store just picking up a quick something.... no big thing.

Well, I took Reggie and in we went.  He was in heaven!  A store that I could take him into!  YAY!  People that weren't afraid of him and two little boys stopped to pet him!  Then, out of the "adoption" area came a very aggressive pitbull mix... he was snarling and carrying on - jerking on the heavy lead and pulling on an owner that seemed okay, but it was freaking out the Reggie.  We paid the bill and went back to the car.

The SUV still had a few kids in it and no adults around, but again, it was quiet and the doors were I thought, Okay.... I put Reggie in the car, told him to behave and made sure the windows were slightly open.  The sun had started to warm up, but it still wasn't "hot".  I went into the Dollar Store, got what I needed, paid and hurried back.... the pitbull owner was parked next to me, opposite of the SUV and I was worried Reggie would get a brave alpha streak and destroy the car.

As I was getting into the car to leave a very nice looking, long-haired, "Reptile Rescue" shirt wearing young man opened the driver's door of the SUV..... Reggie, of course, needing a drink of water and curious, poked his nose out.  I politely said hello, nice shirt, reptiles huh? and he said, sneering at me over his $80 hair style, and through the stench of his very expensive cologne (you know, the stuff that mimics the smell of good ol soap and water, but isn't), sporting his equally expensive Nike shoes.... "Um, you know it is a felony to lock a dog in a parked car?"  I look over his shoulder at the kids still sitting in the car... "Yeah, it wasn't hot and I am careful"

He sneers again, "Yeah, but heat stroke happens fast."

As I pull away, I look back at him in the mirror - shouting at the kids in his gas guzzling monster and wonder WTF was that?  Reggie, in the car less than 1/2 the time those kids were - my car a silver car with the windows partly down... how is that worse than 3 kids locked in a completely closed Black SUV?

The whole thing took less than a minute to exchange, but it was such a shock to realize that, in my current experience, the most NEOHippy folks out there are the worst offenders to the health of the world!

First - the money thing - they are the ones that will scream like starving baboons over $20....but they will piss it away on ridiculous without a thought.  Come on people, an SUV that size for a family of 4?  Why?  Because they can afford it!  You can call it whatever you want, but the truth is simply that it is status.

Nikes?  Get real!  Nike is the worst of the child labor companies - without shame or care because consumers are so wrapped up in the fact that some sports personality is the main money/face for the company they would buy their products if they were made on the streets of Phoenix, Arizona by homeless people who were paid with a bottle of water a day!

Second - Okay, so you are a save the animals person - WTF is wrong with you!  Your kids are sitting in a vehicle that will heat up to twice what mine will and you are worried about my dog?  My dog who is alone for less than 15 minutes - while your kids are in the car for over 45 minutes?  Screw you, you moron!  My dog at least would have gotten help asap - since I am not so wrapped up in my business that I don't know that it is getting hot and he can't take the heat either!  You apparently were shopping in the Petco and weren't worried about whether or not those kids were getting hot!

Third - really?  You are going to tell me that it is a felony to let my dog get heat stroke, yet you don't realize that it is murder to kill a child by locking them in a hot car?  Worse, you are going to sit there and take a pic of my car because of it?  Please feel free to tweet it - if you do - I will feel free to call CPS on your stupid child abusing ass!

The truth is, this is the norm!  The more "socially conscious" of the people I have met are the ones that do the stupidest shit.  The lady that is in the grocery store with her own bags, will often (at least here in Tucson, AZ) be the one getting into the gas hog in the parking lot, to drive to her house that is equipped with air conditioning units that are not freon free.... to sip her soda out of a plastic cup and who will use plastic containers until they are useless, but then throw them in the trash instead of the recycling bin.

The ones that judge others, openly, as this man did are the ones that don't consider that my little car is equipped to be more ecofriendly and that will not be the one that uses the ton of fuel.  Yeah - they get 25 mpg - I get 33+ mpg.  Yeah, they have such a lovely ride.... until the vehicle hits someone and kills them because they weigh almost what a diesel does.  They are the ones that will bitch about the roads, and then roar down them, in their over sized beasts, because, oh wait for it.... they can! and then complain about pot holes.  Which, by the way, are usually caused by over sized vehicles and over use of roadways by those vehicles - those weight limits are a requirement because it protects the roads people!

But what irritates me most, they are the jackasses that will complain about people like me, and then do exactly what they please because they can.... sigh... what a pain in the ass!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

I would much rather....

I guess I have to be clear... there are a million things I would rather do than write about, think about or talk about adoption.  Some people just don't get that.... even where I work I have to be very careful.

The truth is all mother's of loss go through the same bullshit all the time.... They get the same responses even from the kindest of people.

The adoptee - instant response of a blending of disgust, hatred, curiosity and that nihilist crap designed to make the walking womb remember her place.

The mother - pity, sadness, curiosity and that weird stuff that some women think of as sisterhood, which it is not.

The father - disgust and outrage.

The average non-adoption oriented person - curiosity, disgust.

And if you think I am kidding, go around telling anyone you think won't judge that you are a first/birth or mother of loss..... and watch their faces and listen to the seriously f'd up questions they feel they have the right to ask you.

Recently, I blogged on this before, I found myself explaining where I got a video clip to some of my colleagues... from the group of adopted persons/mothers that I know.  Her question - what was my connection?  I am an honest person, so I told her... It took 4 weeks to let that heal - she stormed out of a meeting (and since we are professionals, that is saying something) because she said that she thought I would want her to "look" or something.  We are talking getting up, ranting, and slamming out of the room - with the rest of us sitting there wondering WTF?!  Because frankly, I don't really bother with other people's adoption stuff and if she wants to look, has a happy dappy adoption, whatever - it's not my business and I don't care!

But this is the normal reaction that I have gotten from a large number of adopted people - okay, wait, every adoptee I have ever been FTF with has the same response except the one very lovely young man that I met when I was in my mid twenties and praying that my child was okay.

Other mother's it is more that for some reason they think I have to understand and be the "good mommy" - and frankly, I am not and won't be.  I do not believe that an adopted person who is 20+ years old in this era has the right to claim "waaawaaa" and "bad mommy" over their issues if they refuse to get help and then, if needed, get that cleansing of the true story (or at least the story that their mother is the only one who can tell it) has any right to blame anyone for their emotional bullshit.  And frankly, I don't respect women that go around saying "but they were the victims" or "they didn't have a choice" with regard to an adoptee having the right to mistreat them.  BULLSHIT ladies and please, stop trying to force your ignorant self abuse on me!  If you feel that guilty, get a flog and beat yourself or better yet, get help!

That is the one that really fucking ticks me off by the way!  We will put a man in jail that is that abusive to anyone.  We take children from parents that are that emotionally abusive to their kids.  Hell, we put kids in jail who do that shit to their elderly parents... yet you are too thick to see it for what it is?  Ladies, you might as well go out and get a man to beat hell out of you daily if you think you deserve to be treated that way!  Just do me a favor, don't try to bully my stubborn ass into allowing that shit.

Fathers - SHUT THE F UP - most of you walked away and the ones that didn't can't even begin to claim that they tried too hard... or they wouldn't be first fathers in the first place!

Note - I am talking about that group of men that I have dealt with that seem to think that it takes only a woman to make a baby and only a slut would give one up... but they have no problem screwing anything that has the right orifice.

 Average people are just generally irritating - they roll from side to side without a clue and judge without any real understanding of the issues.

Adopters/Adoptive Parents - that is a jar that can stay closed - I walk away because I get so disgusted.

So, yeah - I would much rather write stories, poetry, watch the sun pouring through the spots that the thunderheads don't fill.  I would rather smell the rain in the woods....

Play in the snow (short term :) )

Anything but participate in the idiocy that is the debate over anything adoption.  I don't see the value.

I am from....

(For My Students)

I am from the smell of oil paints,
From pieces of wire, hot and dripping from the welder,
The smell of my mother's bread dripping with butter,
I am from Sunday drives,
Walking in the woods,
From pictures my father painted,
The nudes painted in our living room of my 6 yr old house.

I am from reading in bed with a flashlight,
From the ruins of the Mesa Verde,
The pot shards, cactus and coyotes.
I am from racing the roadrunner on the way to see my grandfather.

I am from the loneliness of foster care,
The joy of friends,
Laughing and ditching school,
Fighting and drinking too much.

I am from the Army,
Straight lines, guns and grenades,
Crying when I was scared,
I am from LIFE!

(c) Lori Trevino 10-29-2015

Friday, October 23, 2015

Killing Ourselves

We out of charity or abundance of love,
Kick the legs out from under our children,
Destroying their chances of facing and owning their fears,
Destroying their need to succeed and grow in the face of adversity,
The same adversity that gives them strength and wings,
The same adversity that gave us strength and wings,
The same adversity that gave our ancestors strength and wings.

We out of ignorance and fear,
Overprotect and coddle to the point of incapacitation,
Not just our children, but our society,
Which must, of necessity, carry forward the arguments of the past,
Using new voices, thoughts and ideas,
But in our zeal to protect,
We have poisoned ourselves,
Destroyed the power that made our lives so important,
Made our society weak and powerless to grow and succeed.

We have, without thought, created our own epitaph,
The sounds of our dying are all around us,
Children that are ill because they have poor immune systems,
Old people left on the streets, in homes designed for dying, not living,
Not allowed to share in the beauty that is the wisdom of their years,
Worshipping the ignorance and splendor of the energy of youth,
Forgetting the pain that we ourselves went through to leave that youth behind.

We are....
Killing ourselves.

(c) Lori Trevino 10-23-2015

"SCRUM" a system designed for Adults that is being used for Children's education.

 SCRUM was, as stated on their website, designed to enhance production through differing managerial practices.  It is an entire COMPUTERIZED program in which the management essentially has little to no responsibility for the outcomes.

"About is committed to improving the profession of software development. We specialize in community, education, and thought leadership for software development professionals." (document produced by the creators of SCRUM) retrieved from  Emphasis added.

Essentially, if I am reading the document correctly, it is a style of management that, while it proposes self/team reliance and work, it essentially creates a vacuum when talking middle management or upper management responsibility.  Therefore, if I am understanding the material, if the workers (students in the case of educational institutions) are not "getting it" it is up to the other workers to make sure that they do get it..... um, okay.....

Take that a step further, in a classroom, how would that enhance education?  While I am a skeptic, I can see the positives.  As an educator, I see the need for children of all ages to take on "developmentally appropriate responsibility" for their work, their actions and behaviors.  I also know that peer pressure, when used appropriately, can be a valuable tool.  Therefore, as an educator, I can see the need for some of the tenants of the program.

However, as an educator, I can also see the negative side of this idea.  First, look at my statement "developmentally appropriate responsibility" and consider the statement.  Does a first grader know enough to know that they are the ones that have to turn in the work at the end of the hour, if not guided by someone?  And honestly, if you take it to the upper grades, at what point have we forgotten a hundred years of research and more, that state definitively that certain periods in most juveniles lives are filled with the need to dominate...because they are also at the age where childhood is ending and young adulthood is beginning, finding where they think they belong in the universal scheme of the world.  Would you really think that a young person, bent on being the best at everything, usually rebelling about anything possible, is going to be able to work autonomously in groups with minimal guidance?  As a psych major, mother, and educator, I have serious doubts.

But this is opinion?

Okay - let's take a look:

First - SCRUM was written for adults.  It is designed for the use of management teams in software development - whether in education or another field - that allows groups to manage and coordinate their work without interference from outside players, thus they accept responsibility for the work product, design and any deficits. - sounds good.....

Second - While SCRUM does what most educators are encouraged or demanded to do - chunk information in lumps that are easily digestible - Where are these lumps coming from?  Well, in my school that would be the curriculum.  However, because it is an entirely different formula for learning, it is also an entirely differing formula from the curriculum recently agreed to, purchased and paid for (training etc.).  While the SCRUM is an interesting management style, on paper, it still leaves the "educational" end open....

Third - In education, having used the online format as a tool in furthering my own education, I have noted one very important thing, while it does essentially what scrum does - takes given information and makes  it the responsibility of the individual and group to learn - it also does something very negative.  It allows those that can skate by to simply allow the rest of the team to take responsibility for the entirety of the project.  Thus, those that are not learning, will continue to not learn and pass the grade without ever having learned.

In other words, we allow students to work in groups, make those groups autonomous up to a point and the groups will, in an effort to maintain or attain a passing or good grade, allow a member to simply not participate without thought of the need of that member to learn.  Therefore we have defeated our purpose.  It is an educator of children's job to be aware of the needs of the children they are teaching.  This includes those children who are "skating" by - if the educator passes the responsibility of the work on to the children to the point that they are covering for each other in terms of those needs or lacks, how can the educator justify the child that can't read or who simply can't even work a laptop obtaining a passing grade.

So, the validity of scrum on a fully formed adult who is aware of the necessity of being an integral part of the team, is apparent.  How do we justify attempting this on children who still think that they can turn it in late and  obtain passing grades, or who know that they can bully their "team" into simply allowing them to pass?  Or worse, who will ignore the lack in their teammates to the detriment of the student?

I will be watching and probably learning the techniques of SCRUM management in my classroom.... it is my hope that it is not a fad that stays around.