Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Sunday, May 22, 2016

On Owning Your Own Mistakes and Learning From Them

I haven't written in a long time.  Mostly because writing seems to be a catalyst for the negativity that others feel the need to spew over me, including those that claim to not want to be in my bubble...which makes sharing things difficult for me now.  But this time, I feel the need....

I often wondered how children got so messed up today.  How they managed to learn that "body beautiful" was more important than "love, kindness, joy, laughter, being real, loving life" or any of the other things that make it all worthwhile.  Then I started paying attention... to the way they talk to each other, adults, strangers, the world as a whole.... and I learned.

I learned that they don't know how to have/understand emotions much less express them appropriately.  The children, all ages, are taught big words to describe what they are doing, thinking, feeling.....but not really taught what those big words mean.  After all, telling a child that something is inappropriate is probably accurate, but is it something that they actually understand.  Depending on their age, I would say that they don't.  Unfortunately, we are and have been for the last 20 years minimum, been doing just that to our children.

We say "that is inappropriate behavior" - what they hear "that is......yeah, maybe okay....okay, maybe not....wtf?"

We say "consider your words before you say them" - what they hear "you talk too much..."

I am sure you get the point.

The thing is, we also have allowed them to think that they are the more important than their elders.  We, as consumerists, have taught them that they don't need to value that which is not "brand new" because the "brand new" is the only thing that counts.  Then we sit back and wonder why children for the last two generations are so messed up, closed off, and simply unable to function in the world the way it is currently built.

For me, I have to say that fixing this includes owning what I have done that is so very wrong and owning the mistakes that I make.  Not an easy chore.  In fact, pretty damn hard.  For instance, Friday, in an effort to help out a friend and possibly give some of my students something that doesn't include drugs, booze or sex to do over the summer, I allowed a presentation in my room without previewing it.  I should have previewed it.  I no longer have the friend and my students are probably still wondering wtf I thought was going on in my classroom.

Unfortunately, the kind of presentation given was one that was totally geared to teaching my kids that they didn't need to respect their elders, or care about anyone but themselves as a generation.  It culminated in this "friend" undermining my authority in my classroom.  To which I have to own that I trusted the wrong person.  I make excuses, but it is on me.  Then, when I finally got angry, after spending the day wondering "wtf" I blew up - shouted and was furious.... not necessarily at the man, but at myself for not seeing the issues up front.

Worse, one of my kiddos tried to help get him out and I blew at the kiddo too...which was soooo much more than wrong!  I now have to find a way to make up for my childish behavior, which is not as easy as it seems since I have one day to do it.

I am learning, hopefully without causing too much damage, that every word, deed, thought, emotional response in my classroom affects, deeply, a child in my care.  I am also learning from my kiddos that as long as I am myself, that they can accept my flaws.  Therefore, it is even more imperative that I make sure that my students, or any students I come into contact with, know that I respect them.  On the other side of that coin, or possibly because of that, I also know that they must respect me to trust me enough to protect them when necessary. For instance, we have had 4 lock downs this year - all of them real.  My students knew that no matter what, I would protect them and that I was in control of my classroom.

Which leads me to wonder how anyone can think that children are all just little adults - they aren't - and that they don't need guidance by the generations that came before.... I mean, isn't that how history repeats itself?  Isn't that how we end up with people that are unable to function in a world that simply will not tolerate ignorance or inability to adapt?  The idea that "the kids will work it out themselves" is one that I have to wonder how stupid the person is who states it... Even my kids were wondering if the speaker was stoned or just stupid.  Several asked me if he was on drugs..... or just dumb.

For me, I learned.  I learned that my kids rely on me for much more than just English lessons... I learned that my moods, opinions, feelings are so much more important to them than just a momentary collision of my own craziness. I learned that their feelings, needs, wants and the need to meet and understand them is more important to me than almost anything.  I learned so much just watching someone try hard to undermine everything of value in my life, right in front of my eyes.... and I realized something too.  I realized that just because someone is nice doesn't make them good.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

God Will Keep His Promise

I am numb from the pain...
Who am I again?
My friends care, but they are not there...
In the silence,
Trying to find that heart beat,
Strong, pure,
Helping mine remain true,
Beat strong,
What am I now?
Lost, afraid and alone....
Muddling through on belief,
That God will keep his promise and I will be loved....
(C) Lori Trevino. 3/6/16

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Time to consider....

About once a year I come to the conclusion that I need to consider whether or not this blog should continue.....

Why it should:..........

Why it shouldn't:

I no longer need this space to share my thoughts.
I no longer want the connection to my child.
I no longer need the catharsis that is created by my ability to just say it.
I no longer wish to be stalked, labeled and judged by people that have the ability to know me in person if they choose.

I am not willing to share with haters, ragers and stalkers.....

Hmmmmmm.....

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Things that scare the shit out of men......

I am moody,
I love sex - always,
I can be mean for no reason,
I am spoiled
I don't trust easily
I love with my whole being and it can be overwhelming
I will and do say the wrong things at the wrong time.
I am honest to the point I have to remind myself that people really don't want to know the truth.
I am intense
I am passionate.
Sometimes I react like I am 5 years old and hurt and angry
Sometimes I react like I don't care, even when I am hurting deep in my heart

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Again - seriously?!

I don't get it.  I see it... but I don't get it.

The younger generation will tell me that no one understands them.  That they want to be liked and that they want to connect.  So, I try.... and try..... and try.....

But the fact is that they want to be liked, without being likable.... After all, if you spend time with someone, you have to assume that they are at least getting to know you as a person.  But it appears that most of the young ones of today only want to "connect" when there is something in it for them.

I am finding that selfishness, that incredible lack of comprehension that in time the same people that they are "getting what they want from" now are going to be the people who will not help them later.  After all, we can all pretend it isn't our problem, but it is.... and they need to learn that just because a person helps you, doesn't mean you get to crap on them because you don't feel that they are worthy of your friendship after you have gotten all you want.

I have discovered this with my students and with my grandchildren and daughter..... in fact, just about everyone under the age of 40 seem to have the same attitude.

I am learning... I will stop reaching out and helping... it is not worth the nasty shit afterward.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Things I think are reasonably funny (odd and/or laughable)

Okay - so I started this blog in the hopes of helping myself.... then when my daughter connected to it, I was trying to help her understand me a little bit.  As time passed, I did indeed help myself, but didn't reach my daughter and it turned into something totally bizarre......

She would use it to communicate.  Which was, in my world, just a hair creepy since she didn't actually communicate, but would respond when she thought I was writing about her.

It morphs, frequently into the place I put some of the writing I do - not nearly all, in fact, very small portions.  I write daily and it is part of the way to keep sane.....

Then it morphed into something completely new, while still having the clinging thing with the daughter mess because she uses other people to look at my blog (and copy it) so that she knows what I say - which to me is more than a little bit creepy.  But only because I told her, after her last attempt to make me hate myself, not to return to my world (which she ignored long enough to claim she knew better than anyone how her son was not self-destructing and attempting to force me to "allow" baby steps for her to keep tabs on me).... not a happening thing, either way.  I think the current person she is using is her son... which is kind of weird since neither of them talk to me - which is fine with me.

So, then I realized that it is funny - people who claim to hate me, waiting for me to write about them so that they can contact me and be nasty.... Say what?! and OMG ROFLMAO....

What else is funny/odd, I realized that I no longer look to see if they are there or have been there.... at all.

I think I am growing up.

Everyone Thinks Love is...

We all talk about "love" like it is something that is so difficult.... like there is no way you can just LOVE without all the drama, flowers and bullshit....

That's why few of us ever really get there... that is why we don't seem to get the reality of what love is.

Love is simple.... like holding a baby, any baby.  It is that simple.

Love doesn't care if you are young, old, weird, normal (that being relative), white, black, brown, or any shade of the human rainbow.  It never has.....

Love is that connection... that crazy, wonderful moment when you connect with another human being on a level that is not physical, not emotional, not even remotely logical, and not intellectual....

Love is that moment when you are stripped bare of all pretense.... and instead of fear, instead of lust, instead of like....

It is there....

That deep, rolling feeling of seeing and being seen without any thought to how flawed you or they are, without any belief that somehow you must hide something from them being is the first thought....

It is that moment of complete, absolute trust in another living being... knowing that, and knowing that they trust you.... that is love.....

That moment of reality, connection.....

It is true when you can't let go of that connection, but feel it when you sleep, dream, talk, think, live, breath.

That is love.... that man/woman you can't seem to stop thinking of or caring about...

It is not physical.... that is lust, it passes.

It is not mental... that is like, it can be damaged.

It is not intellectual... that is infatuation, it fades.

It is love... It involves so much more than the need to sleep with, caring what others think, or how they think.... it is deeper....

Rolling like the heavy tides that keep this world alive....

It is rare...... but very real.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Don't wait.

I have made a million mistakes in my life.  A million choices that I can regret or simply realize that it is what it is.  The biggest ones that actually haunt me are the ones that can't simply be shrugged off as "existing."  The thing is this.....

If you really want something, no matter what it is, find a way.  Nothing is insurmountable.  After all, if time is the issue, you can wait.... in fact, almost anything you want (I don't mean those shoes that are so "hot" or the new outfit that is amazing), can be planned for, worked towards and achieved.  

This includes relationships, education, careers.  

But remember this - nothing is forever and if you are waiting for the "perfect" one - you will wait and be alone, angry and frustrated and never really understand that there is no such thing as perfect.

If you love, pursue
If you want, plan
If you care, do
If you dare....plan.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Are you waiting?

Are you waiting for me to die?
Is that your hope?
I guess I know why...
It is easier by far to mourn the one, the lost, the never there,
Than to admit that you made a choice,
That you chose the loss,
To be without rather than work it out.

So if by chance you've waited until I die,
Remember this, and do not lie,
You made this choice,
You picked the loss,
You made it real,
The anger ate the chance,
The rage and hate.....

There is no chance once death has come,
To take back words,
To make undone,
The choices made,
When darkness comes,
The loss is all that lives,

(c) LK Trevino 2-3-16

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Losing Self..... Lost

Sometimes, wandering, lost, walking in the rain,
Are we the same,
Are we equal or lessor,
What is the new person,
The person that wanders in front of, behind, beside,
Is that person the same as me?
Am I not different with each hat,
Each thought creates a new me,
Each understanding of the moment?
Am I the same,
Simply shining a slightly different light?

Can we step into the doorway as ourselves?
Or does it change each and every time?
Is that feeling, that lost in a dream,
Wandering through nothing,
Is that real?


(c) Lori Trevino 1-23-16