Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Friday, October 14, 2016

Dear Person Who.....

Dear Person Whom I Flipped Off Today......

I have never seen people who really can't drive worth a damn be so entitled as they are today.  Today, as I attempted to pass you several times, I noticed that you were not only on your cellphone, but you were so totally engrossed in your conversation you didn't seem to realize you were doing 25 in a 45 zone...... and that at times you were in all three lanes within seconds of each other.  You neither used signals nor did you even look up to realize that you almost killed 4 other drivers by coming so close to their vehicles that they all but clipped either each other or the curbs, just to get out of your way.

I did note that you were gestulating wildly at one point and that you had the cell phone held up in front of you like a microphone.  That you were in a vehicle so large that you, apparently a petite person, could barely see over the steering wheel and thus had the phone and the steering wheel blocking your view the whole time.  I was concerned that you might also be deaf, since numerous people - on both sides of the road were honking their horns at you.

I really have to apologize for flipping you off.  After all, that expensive behemoth that you were driving obviously entitles you to act the asshole in public.  Money, after all, is the only real power, right?  I should have made way for your vehicle and waited until you either hit and killed me or someone else.  That way your entitlement would have encompassed my insurance payout because of my "poor" driving.

So, while I absolutely apologize for being rude enough to speed by you in my small car, and for calling you as "stupid C" (which you could not have possibly heard), but also for stopping at the light and having you almost run your big ass gas guzzler up my tailpipe.

Please, accept my apology, or not, as you please.  Please don't, on my account, stop driving like a moron and attempting to kill people on my account.  In fact, I insist that next time you drive, you actually watch videos on that ridiculously huge cell phone as you drive, since you obviously are entitled and should get everything you deserve in life.


Thank you,

The Lady in the Silver Rio that you damn near killed twice in less than a mile while talking on your phone while rolling down the Kino Parkway......

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Denying Another Person's Reality - BULLYING!

I posted a comment on another blog  stating I regretted looking for my daughter.  True to form, the activists - both adoptee and first mother - immediately tried to bully/shame me into taking my words back..... I don't take them back.  I won't take them back.  The truth is, I really do regret even looking.

But what kills me - even after I stated it was personal and that I felt they were silencing me to further their own agenda (ie - just because yours is great doesn't mean mine is or that I have to agree.  Response - well, I have never met anyone that regretted it) My thought:  Excuse me, you just met someone who does and who will always wish I had just accepted the lies and let the whole matter go.  So, telling me that, ignoring the fact that there are mothers out there and adoptees out there that really wish they had just let it go, doesn't that sound a bit like pushing an agenda?

The truth is so much more simple and complicated than that.

Simple: I love my daughter.

Complicated:  The woman I met is NOT my daughter.  She has made that very clear.  In fact, I am fine with her not wanting anything to do with me because my experiences with her have not been fun, loving, kind or in any real way productive.  Does that change that I love my daughter?  No.  It is what it is.

But to tell someone that they are wrong and should feel differently - that is bullying.  I don't appreciate it.  To say that they have never met someone that regrets searching - that is a lie.  I regret searching.

Truth - my daughter is gone.  She will never come back.  The woman I met hates me for all the things other people did to her and nothing I do or say will ever change that.  Does that mean I have to "love" the person she is now?  No.  It means, simply put, that I love my daughter - I don't love being abused and therefore, I don't love this Woman's behavior.  I am not required to.  No one is required to love other people.... unless you are a first mother.

If you are a first mother the entire world thinks that they have the right to tell you what to feel, think and do with regard to your personal life, including children possibly born after you lose the child to adoption.....

I used to simply be silent on the issue of the right to know - now I am saying it outright - your inability to respect another person's rights, does not constitute a violation of your own rights, but a violation of the other person's rights.  You may have the right to know.  You do not have the right to insist on intruding, abusing the other person's trust, and intruding into a life that is NOT yours.

You may insist on being offended by this, which is your right, but I am offended when someone tells me that I HAVE to feel a certain way.... so back the F off you bullys..... I won't change how I feel to make you feel better and/or justified.

I love my daughter.  If that person comes into my life, you bet you I will be thrilled.  But I don't have to put up with hatred and nastiness..... and I have every right to regret bringing that into my world.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

People....Really? Of Course!

 "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." (Psychologist Carl Jung)

I am a dreamer....or at least I act like one.  I dream about things that are impossible all the time.  But I am also a kind person who really doesn't get it at times.  "It" for the most part is people.  People will say and do things that make absolutely no sense.  Until, of course, you give them all slack for things like "cultural differences" "age" "maturity", all kinds of "differences" that create the human being.

At least that is what they teach in college psychology and human behavioral sciences.  That all of those things make a difference.  Which is, essentially true.  After all "Culture" is simply the people and things in a given geographical area and group of people.  And no, they don't have to have the same skin color or nationality - if you live long enough in a specific group of people, you all tend to act similarly.  

Age and maturity are not the same thing, however.  A lot of people assume that they aren't - not so.  Evidence?  I work with a lot of people whose maturity level waivers somewhere between kindergarten and high school seniors.  Those same people are not younger than 25 or older than 72.... none of which are between ages 6 and 19.  Age is simply the number of years the human body has existed in this world.... it means just about nothing.

Maturity on the other hand, that is analogous with things such as the ability to make decisions that are honest, based in experience or understanding of situations.  I know a lot of people who are mature.

So, all that being said, what makes people do the cruel or unkind stuff?  I mean, if we are a blend of behaviors, thoughts, ideas, why do we do those kinds of things?  I have a great theory... pretty simple and pretty much life based experience.

First, children learn what the people who raise them teach.  Adults teach without even thinking.  They teach their infant to cry to get what they want.  They teach their toddler to be ashamed of their bodies by being ashamed of their own.  They teach children public behavior vs private behavior.  They teach table manners, to brush or not to brush, etc., and most of the time they don't even realize that they are doing it.

First, think it over, when you spend all your time hiding your body from your children while in the privacy of your home...what do you think their very small, very inexperienced minds develop as an explanation for that?  That actually depends on how their brains are hardwired.   It can be something as simple as "okay, so we don't take our clothes off in front of others" or as complicated as "there is something wrong with mommy/daddy, wait, maybe with me, wait are we sick" (anxiety).  But the facts are that all children react.

Social behaviors are taught... totally... from birth.  Adult interactions with the world are very much in the limelight for children.  Adults who are socially adept and who share their social life with their children, normally have children who are socially adept as well.  In fact, if you look at public figures and their children, historically, almost every child who was kept out of the spot light, who did not experience the need to be socially adept, struggled with social behaviors as an adult - as always there are exceptions.  Think about it.

Think about it this way:  In every family there are one or two people who are "odd" - they lack the social graces, often do really "stupid" things in public or in family gatherings that create the "oh, you know how he/she is" reaction, and usually don't have a lot of friends or even family members that want to spend time with them.  These are the adult results of the parenting or lack thereof that these people received.

Hmmm... yes, totally true.  The child that seems a bit slow, so everyone pats them on the head and keeps moving.... The child that wants to be seen, but often doesn't know how to be seen without causing a scene.... These children are often the children whom others think are "gifted" or "special" and whom are often treated as if they don't understand.  Possibly the hard-wiring is so different that they get the "educational" or "informational" knowledge, but who don't really understand the actions of others because they don't "read" intention or understand the reasons behind certain behaviors.  Often they aren't taught in the stages like others are....

Stages - yes, like all things human developmental there are stages to the learning of these behaviors. 

1 - infant/toddler - "mom and dad are the world"
2 - child - "I am the mom, dad, my friends parents"
3 - Teen - "I am the my friends, watch media"
4 - Young adult - "I am the me"
5 - Adult - "They are the them"

So your odd relative is not really "odd" but different.... that "intense" not a friend is not "intense" but a person who lacks the training or is hard wired so that the training was not enough to understand how to behave in public or what is expected.

Foster children often grow up like that - depending on how many places they lived, how many different cultural experiences they had (and NO that is not always a good thing for developmental purposes) or simply whether or not the adults in their world had any skills either!

For those of us that struggle with this, it is heartbreaking when our honest and often naive hearts are put out there, thinking we are being kind or helpful, and "Normal" people simply dismiss us or fail to see that they are the ones being "weird" or "unkind."  So before you assume someone is just weird, maybe you need to think about what they think of you. 

I often go through this with people.  So often and so many times I have been rejected because I don't know and can't understand the need to be false or "pretend" with people.  I know I am not alone in this.... So, for all of you out there that think that "kind" is okay, even if you are being untrue to your real feelings, think again.  For if you don't like someone and you pretend, you hurt them - we are ignorant, not stupid.....and often your "kindness" is as bad as the bullies that drive kids to suicide.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Positivity.... A Really Hard Thing to Maintain!

I have realized that I don't write much that is positive on my blog... or in my life.  It is disheartening!  So, I am going to make a concerted effort to do just that!  I am....

Not going to pay attention to those people who try to make me scream on a daily basis.....

Going to spend more time with the best pup in the world.....

Going to spend more time enjoying the simple things I love so the pup, the kitties and just living my life.....

Going to ignore those people, things and nonsense that only poison me....

Spend more time being careful what I say and to whom....

Spend more time with people that make me smile...even if it is only for a while....

Spend more time playing.....



And amazingly, just being me......

I hope, I believe, I know it will help me through my life.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Interesting world......

Okay, so, as my world gets stranger and stranger.... I have learned some things.  First, most people really don't like me.  Which is fine with me.  I don't have much patience for stupid, rude or basically judgmental asshats.  I never have.

So, I pissed someone off, which seems to be normal for me, because I assumed that I was having a conversation about a subject with another ADULT.  Yeah, I wasn't.  I was having a conversation with a grown sized, pubescent teen that was still living in a world that ended about 15 years ago.  Talk about a pain in the ass.  But it clued me in on something..... adults that work with children, have a ton of power and autonomy, tend to revert to childish behavior if they are confronted or upstaged for any reason.  NOT ALL!  So if you think this is about you, please, get help.  But a large number of them definitely act like the children that they are in charge of.  Never underestimate the power of a pissed of child....especially one that other adult see as adult no matter how stupid they act.

I went to the doctor's today - a few more weeks and I should be totally healed - I hope.  At least I won't have to wear that damn WoundVac anymore.... that thing exhausts me, even though I love that it accelerates healing.  I think that I am exhausted because it accelerates healing and I can't possibly eat or drink enough to make up for the extra work my body has to do to keep up with it.  But at least, definitely, I am almost completely healed.

Someone told me that I must be thrilled that I am slimmer, that I look better.... and I wanted to smack them.  After all, this wasn't about looking better!  OMG - when you have 25 lbs of belly flab hanging down for years, you get the joys that go with it:  infections, sores, smells..... and oh wait - yeah the reason I needed the WoundVac - skin that is compromised and doesn't heal well!

The good part, yeah - I am slimmer.  The bad part, my pants slide down the front of me, my skirts are too big and my belly feels tight like a drum.  Most of this will pass.  That I am grateful for!

Weird stuff of the day:

I get stared at no matter what I do at my house.... yep, the Hispanic neighbors all find it worth staring at the crazy white lady.

A kid that I went through all kinds of shit to get licensed to have in my home told her social worker the day before we were going to court to make it real, after I took a day off ($127.00 day off that I could not, because the lateness of the time she said it), that she didn't want to be in my house.  Three days ago her CASA calls me and wants to give me a letter from her.  Guess what - she thinks she wants to try again.  NO!  NOT!  NO WAY!  The girl was a lesson for me - I won't  repeat the lesson because she has burned her last place to stay and she thinks Ms. T is stupid!!! OMG - really?

I discovered that I am frustrated because I seem to be making decisions based on my feelings for a person..... and it is hurting me.  This ends today.  The person is not worth the feelings I have - or at least they don't seem to be and they don't seem to care!  I learn - slow - but I learn.

I learned that people are all in pain, we are just to embarrassed, stupid, shy, whatever, to own the negatives of our lives and share them or let them go.  When we mess up ourselves, we don't own it or seek help because we are embarrassed... and if we do, we usually try to lay it on other people.  It's all nuts.

Life goes on.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The World That Was

I miss the world that was,
Halloween, Trick or Treat,
Climbing trees, skinned up knees.

I miss the world that was,
Friends meet, laugh and play,
Talking, walking, having fun.

I miss the world that was,
Thanksgiving meals, turkey, stuffing,
Eating and football, family time.

I miss the world that was,
The long days of summer,
Friends and the lake,
Floating down the river.

I miss the world that was,
I look around at faces new,
I see this is their world that was.

(c) Lori Trevino 8/14/2016

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Happy.....and a bit sad.....

Well, it's done!  Finally!  About a year ago, maybe less, I told my daughter "Don't Come Back" - she did, once....when she wanted something... but I wasn't receptive to playing the same old game....

She hasn't been back.  She might still have her friends checking to see if I talk about her.  To find some other evil that I commit to talk about and complain about and hope that it makes her look good.  I am relieved and sad.

I guess sometimes you have to realize that life is what it is.  I now say, usually, I don't have children other than my students.  This is true.  I am good with that.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

I Get It Now!

I used to get all hurt over the family members that wouldn't help each other in the smallest of ways.... it was like a rejection of the relationship that we have had for, in my families case, almost half a century.  After all, we are FAMILY!  True enough.

There are some things that you learn over the years that can't be just told to you.  You have to learn them in profound, real ways.....

First, I have NEVER helped a person without paying the price..... and there is always a price.......

Second, I have always willingly paid the price... until it almost killed me - Literally!

Third, when you are my age and alone, you start to see that those that create a price for your helping them, they don't really care about you, they care about them.  They are going to get everything they can out of you until there is no more, then they will blame you for the lack of "more"... which is what almost killed me.

You see, while I still will drive to help a family member, and I still won't let one end up homeless (knowingly and without prior experience of them causing their own issues), I still talk to those that really don't care about me..... I will not loan money (except to a select few that get that a loan is something like having that unexpected bill to pay - my brother taught me that) nor do I borrow without real need and only from those I know can handle it.  But I will not just randomly "help" anyone, family or not, because of the emotional and physical cost to myself.

I learned that last bit from the last "kid" I tried to help...

I will not take on emotional issues...I have a heart condition that keeps me on my toes and tries to kill me on a regular basis.

I will not take on financial issues....I am a teacher and I make crap!  Paying my bills is enough for me.

I will not take on personal issues...I am not a priest or therapist (yet) and I know better than to try to help someone because usually those seeking help are simply not willing to help themselves (not always and not every case - some are seeking help because there is no other way).

Does this mean I don't help?  Not at all!  I simply don't open myself to the trauma and drama of the world around me that honestly refuses to work out their own issues.  I do everything I can to be kind, generous and loving..... without putting myself into the target zone or going broke or getting my heart broken by the person who is so unkind that it is going to hurt me.

This way, I can help, without getting slammed over and over..... I get it now... My brother and cousins have taught me much!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Why Mothers Often Run Away - Read Carefully - If you get nasty, I will block you.

"Interesting. This is why we, as mothers, are allowed to regret and accept blame, we are not allowed to simply state our feelings. This is why I have withdrawn from the adoption community and why I do not support adoptee rights."
That's a terrible reason for no longer supporting adoptee rights, Lori. And I see no evidence that mothers are being prevented from expressing their feelings. There are plenty of first mother blogs where they do little else.
There is all this talk about not being able to express feelings coming from both adoptees and first mothers. For people who are claiming to be "silenced" they are sure making a lot of noise.


  1. just a thought: Lori might be expressing her feelings about how natural mothers are treated here by some adoptees after they express an opinion of frustration with their children. A lot of attacking goes on. from what I've seen, that 's not the way it is at adoptee blogs/ mothers don;t comment unless in total agreement with the writer. here at FMF adoptees feel free to attack mothers. that may be what Lori is saying.
  2. @ Anon 3:21
    Even if that was the case, which is isn't, it is still not a good reason for not supporting adoptee rights.
  3. You r right. Maybe Lori meant that she wouldn't get out there and get involved in working for adoptee rights. Which is sad.


As I got these comments at work today, I have a great deal of time to think about it... And of course, I have considered it carefully.  First, while I find it interesting that you "quoted" me - I also find it normal that you willfully chose to misunderstand or undervalue the words I chose.  You are a bully.  You can't seem to understand that your rights are no more important than those of anyone else.  You are not special in any way, barring that little thing - adoption.

Because of that little thing, you assume the right to tell me what I may and may not choose to stand up for because I am a First Mother.  This is bigotry at it's most refined.  Bullies are usually bigots as well.

The fact is you proved my point in your second statement - that my reason was not good enough and that for someone who claims to be silenced, I talk alot.  You are mean spirited, cold and truly one of the reasons that I choose not to enter into your fight - or rather re-enter into that fight to be allowed to have your NOT LEGAL documents.  Please note I did say "not legal" and not "incorrect" documents.

You judged me like so many others on the basis of your right as an adopted person to tell me, the abandoner piece of shit, what to do and what I should feel.

For those of you that defended me, thank you.  But I fully meant what I said.  I do not have to defend my right to support whatever cause I choose, for my reasons and my reasons alone - or, to not support a cause.

I will not explain further - it is none of your business, Lisa, just as it was not your right to talk to me, another human being, as if you are somehow better or more valuable than I am.  Be well and get over yourself.  Adoptees are not the only children in the world treated like commodities.

Annon - Actually you were right in the first place - you should not have backed off.... Lisa is a bully and had no right to judge me in the first place.

Again, Lisa, be well... and remember this conversation every time you see a mother walk away from your fight.


Again, I am alone.  I am not even surprised now.  After all, it is what happens when you are unwanted.  I find it hilarious that some people still act as if it matters.  I don't care anymore.... maybe I will get lucky and die - then I can be with Carlos.

But the rest, it is ludicrous.

Life Ends

Life ends, not with the bang, not with bells and whistles or parties,
Life ends with a whisper, a sad little sigh that only those that truly love can hear,
Life ends, not as it began, with the joy of being,
Life ends.... quietly, without love, light or joy....
Life ends.... it simply stops.

(c) Lori K Trevino 6/09/2016