Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Friday, November 25, 2016

Happy Holidays

I know that my daughter reads my blog, so here is my holiday wish for her:

Dearest Kendra,

I know that we don't know each other, even after all this time, but I want you to know this.  No matter what we fought about, I was and will always be your mother.   I hope that you are happy, safe and loved.  I hope that you love yourself and learn that you are worthy of more than what others leave for you...because you are.

I wish you joy, love and life.  I pray for you to have good health, plenty to eat, someone who loves you and supports you, but who is a balance of you (because if you are anything like me, you will need that).

So be blessed, be happy, be real....

Always with my heart,

Your Mother

Holidays

A lot of First Mothers are sharing the holidays with their lost children, or children that they had either previous to or after the loss of a child to adoption.  For me, I have never had a holiday with my daughter since she was 3 years old and I never had another child.  I do, however, have a large family that I love and that is where I focus.

This year, with any luck and the weather holding, I will be with my sister a few days after Christmas -coping with 2 large dogs who may or may not get along, a toddler, a niece and spouse, and two nephews.  ... Wait and 2 ferrets, 2 cats (or 3 not sure) and a long...long...long road trip with one of the two large dogs in the car.  And I will love it.

I listen to the other families talking about this child, grandchild, etc., and so on, and realized that in all of the years that I tried so hard to be part of my daughter's life, she never tried.  I paid for trips across the country, I gave gifts, I did a whole lot of things.  Not a complaint, just an observation.  Now, I have a grandson in the military and he apparently just got married - the girl is lovely and she has a two year old son..... making me, technically a great grandmother... I won't ever meet them, but it is interesting.  Another grandson is here, less than an hour from me, but I am not welcome in his world, which is a shame, but it is life.

As for my daughter and I, I think that is done.  I can't afford to pay out anymore and I won't make trips to see people that have never tried with me.  So, I don't have any thoughts one way or the other.  I learned a lot from my daughter, her boys and my in-laws, particularly after I lost my husband.  One of the biggest lessons is that if someone wants you in their life, they make time for you.... and not on your dime.  So, no worries there.

But does that mean I am lonely?  Not really!  I have friends that I enjoy their company.  I have a life that includes people who make an effort to see me and spend time with me, so I make an effort too.  So, "worry not" is my motto and it seems to work.  I have to admit that at times it is hard to let the emotional baggage of not having a family (hubby, kiddies, etc) is tough to overcome, but the truth is, I don't really mind anymore.  I have learned to enjoy me, my life, my choices.... you know, it can be awesome.

So, for all of you singles out there, enjoy those that want you around, blow off the rest.... live your life the way that makes you happy and don't bother to explain it to those that don't get it.  If it doesn't make sense to them, not your problem!  Do what makes you happy!

For me - I am praying that the weather holds, that I don't fail my classes and that my job is one that I will have for a lot longer than a year.... okay, maybe at a high school (I like that better and I connect better with the kiddos!).

Smile and enjoy!  Your life only needs to make sense to you!

Watching

As I watched, waiting for the right time,
Listening to the right rhyme,
It all slipped, sideways, never really straight,
Waiting longer, not that great,
Waiting shorter, no, still too late.

As I watched, I chose the right time,
Listened to the wrong rhyme,
Sliding into the issue straight,
Waiting no more,
Waiting forevermore.

As I watched, he chose the right time,
Listening to all the rhymes,
Holding onto me without effort,
We wait no more.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Waiting.....

Watching, waiting for that sign,
That moment when everything I know,
Everything I feel,
Everything I want,
Becomes real....

Your smile lights my life,
So very hard to reach your lips,
The distance is not so much now,
The pain is fading,
My heart waits,
I know, foolish, but still there.

I know this too shall be a memory,
Shared with care,
Years to come,
With hope,
Together, not alone.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Never Give Up

The first time that I saw you,
I felt my heart break free,
Open to something,
Something that could not be.

Every time I saw you,
I could not look in your eyes,
My heart would break,
I could not tell you lies.

The day that you asked me,
The only time we talked,
What I thought you felt,
My heart began to unlock.

I wanted to say love,
But frozen in fear,
I watched the moment melt,
The pain it dealt,
Deep in my heart.

I feared that you would laugh,
Tell me how stupid I was,
Instead I denied,
Said I didn't know,
Instead I let the pain grow.

The only thing,
I know for sure,
I opened my heart,
Left it bare,
Never knowing if you'd ever be there.

I waited, I watched,
The distance grew,
The pain intense,
I would run, I would hide,
But that won't fix what's inside.

So if you love, my only advice,
Don't let it die, no matter the push,
Don't be afraid, be true to your soul,
Know that if it happens,
It is for you and he,
Not for he and we!

I will watch,
Love from afar,
The pain in my heart,
Caused by fear of love,
Not from what could not be.

Never give up,
Never let go,
And if he asks,
Tell him "I know"......

(c) Lori Trevino 11/14/2016

Sunday, November 6, 2016

That Waking Moment

A couple of days ago, after being sick for two days, I woke from sleep with a profound fear in my head.  I had been dreaming about my daughter, something I don't normally do.... the dream was odd.  I was telling someone something....giving some kind of advice... and I told the person "Remember, just like I said at Kendra's funeral...."

That in itself freaks me out.  I do not want to outlive my daughter.  Losing her once pushed me into self-destructive behaviors, the second time (recently) shut down a piece of my heart (probably permanently), but to lose her to the other side.....that would kill me.  Whether in body, mind or heart or all, I don't know, but I would never recover from that.  I can't even think the "D" word.

Wild right?  Anyway, I woke up from that dream with a deep panic setting in... and I did something I don't usually do, I reached out to her spouse and asked if my daughter was okay.   I won't get an answer, but it truly shakes my whole being at times, knowing that we are all mortal and one day one of us is going to be gone without ever truly knowing each other.  I just hope it is me and not her.  She won't notice, but I will die.

I hate those panicked wake ups.... I truly do.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Interesting World.... Hmmmm.....

I guess I find it interesting the things that people do to justify their own ugliness in the world.  Or even their own good things.  I do things, it's a human behavior - cover thy ass.  But someone had to point out something to me.

First, for those that don't know the story, don't get your panties in a bunch....

So, someone had to tell me a couple of things.... My grandson got married to a young lady with a son - he is apparently around 1 year old.  Which is cool, I mean, if the Grandson is happy - YAY!  and hey, being a Great Grandmother is weird, but it is life.

Second, they had to tell me that my daughter, who I had to say "go away until you get your self together" and who has every right to take it as go away and don't come back if she chooses to - has apparently reconnected with the "African-American" side of the adoptive family.  Which, I guess is cool.......

But I see things as "motivated by...." which is probably the wrong way to see it.... but I do.

The Grandson - YAY - seriously.... I am glad he is happy.

The daughter....well, she never wanted connections with her adoptive family before - but is now going around saying her birth name was the adopted family name - which it wasn't, isn't and never will be.  She is suddenly connecting with these family members that she didn't care about before.  And then, the same people told me that she managed to get rid of the stepson she didn't want and cut out all the in-laws that she didn't like from her life.  Which actually doesn't surprise me.

What does surprise me is that suddenly she wants to be "black" - prior to this she spent a lot of time being "white".  Maybe it is because her son - the Grandson - identifies with "black" almost exclusively, even though there is only about 25% of his DNA that has anything to do with being "African American".

Like I said it is interesting.... and very much a confusing thing to me.  Why try to be something you aren't?  Why suddenly be interested in people that you have had almost 40 years to connect with?

I honestly think that my family could be the poster family for "Dysfunctional" or simply "CRAZY".... seriously.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Dear Person Who.....

Dear Person Whom I Flipped Off Today......

I have never seen people who really can't drive worth a damn be so entitled as they are today.  Today, as I attempted to pass you several times, I noticed that you were not only on your cellphone, but you were so totally engrossed in your conversation you didn't seem to realize you were doing 25 in a 45 zone...... and that at times you were in all three lanes within seconds of each other.  You neither used signals nor did you even look up to realize that you almost killed 4 other drivers by coming so close to their vehicles that they all but clipped either each other or the curbs, just to get out of your way.

I did note that you were gestulating wildly at one point and that you had the cell phone held up in front of you like a microphone.  That you were in a vehicle so large that you, apparently a petite person, could barely see over the steering wheel and thus had the phone and the steering wheel blocking your view the whole time.  I was concerned that you might also be deaf, since numerous people - on both sides of the road were honking their horns at you.

I really have to apologize for flipping you off.  After all, that expensive behemoth that you were driving obviously entitles you to act the asshole in public.  Money, after all, is the only real power, right?  I should have made way for your vehicle and waited until you either hit and killed me or someone else.  That way your entitlement would have encompassed my insurance payout because of my "poor" driving.

So, while I absolutely apologize for being rude enough to speed by you in my small car, and for calling you as "stupid C" (which you could not have possibly heard), but also for stopping at the light and having you almost run your big ass gas guzzler up my tailpipe.

Please, accept my apology, or not, as you please.  Please don't, on my account, stop driving like a moron and attempting to kill people on my account.  In fact, I insist that next time you drive, you actually watch videos on that ridiculously huge cell phone as you drive, since you obviously are entitled and should get everything you deserve in life.

However, I would like to remind you that you ARE AN ASSHAT.  STOP DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT TEENAGER! PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY KILL SOMEONE.

Thank you,

The Lady in the Silver Rio that you damn near killed twice in less than a mile while talking on your phone while rolling down the Kino Parkway......

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Denying Another Person's Reality - BULLYING!

I posted a comment on another blog  stating I regretted looking for my daughter.  True to form, the activists - both adoptee and first mother - immediately tried to bully/shame me into taking my words back..... I don't take them back.  I won't take them back.  The truth is, I really do regret even looking.

But what kills me - even after I stated it was personal and that I felt they were silencing me to further their own agenda (ie - just because yours is great doesn't mean mine is or that I have to agree.  Response - well, I have never met anyone that regretted it) My thought:  Excuse me, you just met someone who does and who will always wish I had just accepted the lies and let the whole matter go.  So, telling me that, ignoring the fact that there are mothers out there and adoptees out there that really wish they had just let it go, doesn't that sound a bit like pushing an agenda?

The truth is so much more simple and complicated than that.

Simple: I love my daughter.

Complicated:  The woman I met is NOT my daughter.  She has made that very clear.  In fact, I am fine with her not wanting anything to do with me because my experiences with her have not been fun, loving, kind or in any real way productive.  Does that change that I love my daughter?  No.  It is what it is.

But to tell someone that they are wrong and should feel differently - that is bullying.  I don't appreciate it.  To say that they have never met someone that regrets searching - that is a lie.  I regret searching.

Truth - my daughter is gone.  She will never come back.  The woman I met hates me for all the things other people did to her and nothing I do or say will ever change that.  Does that mean I have to "love" the person she is now?  No.  It means, simply put, that I love my daughter - I don't love being abused and therefore, I don't love this Woman's behavior.  I am not required to.  No one is required to love other people.... unless you are a first mother.

If you are a first mother the entire world thinks that they have the right to tell you what to feel, think and do with regard to your personal life, including children possibly born after you lose the child to adoption.....

I used to simply be silent on the issue of the right to know - now I am saying it outright - your inability to respect another person's rights, does not constitute a violation of your own rights, but a violation of the other person's rights.  You may have the right to know.  You do not have the right to insist on intruding, abusing the other person's trust, and intruding into a life that is NOT yours.

You may insist on being offended by this, which is your right, but I am offended when someone tells me that I HAVE to feel a certain way.... so back the F off you bullys..... I won't change how I feel to make you feel better and/or justified.

I love my daughter.  If that person comes into my life, you bet you I will be thrilled.  But I don't have to put up with hatred and nastiness..... and I have every right to regret bringing that into my world.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

People....Really? Of Course!

 "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." (Psychologist Carl Jung)

I am a dreamer....or at least I act like one.  I dream about things that are impossible all the time.  But I am also a kind person who really doesn't get it at times.  "It" for the most part is people.  People will say and do things that make absolutely no sense.  Until, of course, you give them all slack for things like "cultural differences" "age" "maturity", all kinds of "differences" that create the human being.

At least that is what they teach in college psychology and human behavioral sciences.  That all of those things make a difference.  Which is, essentially true.  After all "Culture" is simply the people and things in a given geographical area and group of people.  And no, they don't have to have the same skin color or nationality - if you live long enough in a specific group of people, you all tend to act similarly.  

Age and maturity are not the same thing, however.  A lot of people assume that they aren't - not so.  Evidence?  I work with a lot of people whose maturity level waivers somewhere between kindergarten and high school seniors.  Those same people are not younger than 25 or older than 72.... none of which are between ages 6 and 19.  Age is simply the number of years the human body has existed in this world.... it means just about nothing.

Maturity on the other hand, that is analogous with things such as the ability to make decisions that are honest, based in experience or understanding of situations.  I know a lot of people who are mature.

So, all that being said, what makes people do the cruel or unkind stuff?  I mean, if we are a blend of behaviors, thoughts, ideas, why do we do those kinds of things?  I have a great theory... pretty simple and pretty much life based experience.

First, children learn what the people who raise them teach.  Adults teach without even thinking.  They teach their infant to cry to get what they want.  They teach their toddler to be ashamed of their bodies by being ashamed of their own.  They teach children public behavior vs private behavior.  They teach table manners, to brush or not to brush, etc., and most of the time they don't even realize that they are doing it.

First, think it over, when you spend all your time hiding your body from your children while in the privacy of your home...what do you think their very small, very inexperienced minds develop as an explanation for that?  That actually depends on how their brains are hardwired.   It can be something as simple as "okay, so we don't take our clothes off in front of others" or as complicated as "there is something wrong with mommy/daddy, wait, maybe with me, wait are we sick" (anxiety).  But the facts are that all children react.

Social behaviors are taught... totally... from birth.  Adult interactions with the world are very much in the limelight for children.  Adults who are socially adept and who share their social life with their children, normally have children who are socially adept as well.  In fact, if you look at public figures and their children, historically, almost every child who was kept out of the spot light, who did not experience the need to be socially adept, struggled with social behaviors as an adult - as always there are exceptions.  Think about it.

Think about it this way:  In every family there are one or two people who are "odd" - they lack the social graces, often do really "stupid" things in public or in family gatherings that create the "oh, you know how he/she is" reaction, and usually don't have a lot of friends or even family members that want to spend time with them.  These are the adult results of the parenting or lack thereof that these people received.

Hmmm... yes, totally true.  The child that seems a bit slow, so everyone pats them on the head and keeps moving.... The child that wants to be seen, but often doesn't know how to be seen without causing a scene.... These children are often the children whom others think are "gifted" or "special" and whom are often treated as if they don't understand.  Possibly the hard-wiring is so different that they get the "educational" or "informational" knowledge, but who don't really understand the actions of others because they don't "read" intention or understand the reasons behind certain behaviors.  Often they aren't taught in the stages like others are....

Stages - yes, like all things human developmental there are stages to the learning of these behaviors. 

1 - infant/toddler - "mom and dad are the world"
2 - child - "I am the world....watch mom, dad, my friends parents"
3 - Teen - "I am the world...watch my friends, watch media"
4 - Young adult - "I am the world...watch me"
5 - Adult - "They are the world...watch them"

So your odd relative is not really "odd" but different.... that "intense" not a friend is not "intense" but a person who lacks the training or is hard wired so that the training was not enough to understand how to behave in public or what is expected.

Foster children often grow up like that - depending on how many places they lived, how many different cultural experiences they had (and NO that is not always a good thing for developmental purposes) or simply whether or not the adults in their world had any skills either!

For those of us that struggle with this, it is heartbreaking when our honest and often naive hearts are put out there, thinking we are being kind or helpful, and "Normal" people simply dismiss us or fail to see that they are the ones being "weird" or "unkind."  So before you assume someone is just weird, maybe you need to think about what they think of you. 

I often go through this with people.  So often and so many times I have been rejected because I don't know and can't understand the need to be false or "pretend" with people.  I know I am not alone in this.... So, for all of you out there that think that "kind" is okay, even if you are being untrue to your real feelings, think again.  For if you don't like someone and you pretend, you hurt them - we are ignorant, not stupid.....and often your "kindness" is as bad as the bullies that drive kids to suicide.