Love is not possession, it is not lust, it can't be based in lies.... Love is the desire to not be parted from a person, to see them as they are and know that all their flaws do not take away from the joy that is them. It need not be tricked or lied or conned.... but simply given and received. L. Trevino

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Positivity.... A Really Hard Thing to Maintain!

I have realized that I don't write much that is positive on my blog... or in my life.  It is disheartening!  So, I am going to make a concerted effort to do just that!  I am....

Not going to pay attention to those people who try to make me scream on a daily basis.....

Going to spend more time with the best pup in the world.....

Going to spend more time enjoying the simple things I love so much...like the pup, the kitties and just living my life.....

Going to ignore those people, things and nonsense that only poison me....

Spend more time being careful what I say and to whom....

Spend more time with people that make me smile...even if it is only for a while....

Spend more time playing.....

Draw.....

Write....

And amazingly, just being me......

I hope, I believe, I know it will help me through my life.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Interesting world......

Okay, so, as my world gets stranger and stranger.... I have learned some things.  First, most people really don't like me.  Which is fine with me.  I don't have much patience for stupid, rude or basically judgmental asshats.  I never have.

So, I pissed someone off, which seems to be normal for me, because I assumed that I was having a conversation about a subject with another ADULT.  Yeah, I wasn't.  I was having a conversation with a grown sized, pubescent teen that was still living in a world that ended about 15 years ago.  Talk about a pain in the ass.  But it clued me in on something..... adults that work with children, have a ton of power and autonomy, tend to revert to childish behavior if they are confronted or upstaged for any reason.  NOT ALL!  So if you think this is about you, please, get help.  But a large number of them definitely act like the children that they are in charge of.  Never underestimate the power of a pissed of child....especially one that other adult see as adult no matter how stupid they act.

I went to the doctor's today - a few more weeks and I should be totally healed - I hope.  At least I won't have to wear that damn WoundVac anymore.... that thing exhausts me, even though I love that it accelerates healing.  I think that I am exhausted because it accelerates healing and I can't possibly eat or drink enough to make up for the extra work my body has to do to keep up with it.  But at least, definitely, I am almost completely healed.

Someone told me that I must be thrilled that I am slimmer, that I look better.... and I wanted to smack them.  After all, this wasn't about looking better!  OMG - when you have 25 lbs of belly flab hanging down for years, you get the joys that go with it:  infections, sores, smells..... and oh wait - yeah the reason I needed the WoundVac - skin that is compromised and doesn't heal well!

The good part, yeah - I am slimmer.  The bad part, my pants slide down the front of me, my skirts are too big and my belly feels tight like a drum.  Most of this will pass.  That I am grateful for!

Weird stuff of the day:

I get stared at no matter what I do at my house.... yep, the Hispanic neighbors all find it worth staring at the crazy white lady.

A kid that I went through all kinds of shit to get licensed to have in my home told her social worker the day before we were going to court to make it real, after I took a day off ($127.00 day off that I could not, because the lateness of the time she said it), that she didn't want to be in my house.  Three days ago her CASA calls me and wants to give me a letter from her.  Guess what - she thinks she wants to try again.  NO!  NOT!  NO WAY!  The girl was a lesson for me - I won't  repeat the lesson because she has burned her last place to stay and she thinks Ms. T is stupid!!! OMG - really?

I discovered that I am frustrated because I seem to be making decisions based on my feelings for a person..... and it is hurting me.  This ends today.  The person is not worth the feelings I have - or at least they don't seem to be and they don't seem to care!  I learn - slow - but I learn.

I learned that people are all in pain, we are just to embarrassed, stupid, shy, whatever, to own the negatives of our lives and share them or let them go.  When we mess up ourselves, we don't own it or seek help because we are embarrassed... and if we do, we usually try to lay it on other people.  It's all nuts.

Life goes on.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

The World That Was

I miss the world that was,
Halloween, Trick or Treat,
Climbing trees, skinned up knees.

I miss the world that was,
Friends meet, laugh and play,
Talking, walking, having fun.

I miss the world that was,
Thanksgiving meals, turkey, stuffing,
Eating and football, family time.

I miss the world that was,
The long days of summer,
Friends and the lake,
Floating down the river.

I miss the world that was,
I look around at faces new,
Waiting,
I see this is their world that was.

(c) Lori Trevino 8/14/2016


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Happy.....and a bit sad.....

Well, it's done!  Finally!  About a year ago, maybe less, I told my daughter "Don't Come Back" - she did, once....when she wanted something... but I wasn't receptive to playing the same old game....

She hasn't been back.  She might still have her friends checking to see if I talk about her.  To find some other evil that I commit to talk about and complain about and hope that it makes her look good.  I am relieved and sad.

I guess sometimes you have to realize that life is what it is.  I now say, usually, I don't have children other than my students.  This is true.  I am good with that.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

I Get It Now!

I used to get all hurt over the family members that wouldn't help each other in the smallest of ways.... it was like a rejection of the relationship that we have had for, in my families case, almost half a century.  After all, we are FAMILY!  True enough.

There are some things that you learn over the years that can't be just told to you.  You have to learn them in profound, real ways.....

First, I have NEVER helped a person without paying the price..... and there is always a price.......

Second, I have always willingly paid the price... until it almost killed me - Literally!

Third, when you are my age and alone, you start to see that those that create a price for your helping them, they don't really care about you, they care about them.  They are going to get everything they can out of you until there is no more, then they will blame you for the lack of "more"... which is what almost killed me.

You see, while I still will drive to help a family member, and I still won't let one end up homeless (knowingly and without prior experience of them causing their own issues), I still talk to those that really don't care about me..... I will not loan money (except to a select few that get that a loan is something like having that unexpected bill to pay - my brother taught me that) nor do I borrow without real need and only from those I know can handle it.  But I will not just randomly "help" anyone, family or not, because of the emotional and physical cost to myself.

I learned that last bit from the last "kid" I tried to help...

I will not take on emotional issues...I have a heart condition that keeps me on my toes and tries to kill me on a regular basis.

I will not take on financial issues....I am a teacher and I make crap!  Paying my bills is enough for me.

I will not take on personal issues...I am not a priest or therapist (yet) and I know better than to try to help someone because usually those seeking help are simply not willing to help themselves (not always and not every case - some are seeking help because there is no other way).

Does this mean I don't help?  Not at all!  I simply don't open myself to the trauma and drama of the world around me that honestly refuses to work out their own issues.  I do everything I can to be kind, generous and loving..... without putting myself into the target zone or going broke or getting my heart broken by the person who is so unkind that it is going to hurt me.

This way, I can help, without getting slammed over and over..... I get it now... My brother and cousins have taught me much!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Why Mothers Often Run Away - Read Carefully - If you get nasty, I will block you.

"Interesting. This is why we, as mothers, are allowed to regret and accept blame, we are not allowed to simply state our feelings. This is why I have withdrawn from the adoption community and why I do not support adoptee rights."
That's a terrible reason for no longer supporting adoptee rights, Lori. And I see no evidence that mothers are being prevented from expressing their feelings. There are plenty of first mother blogs where they do little else.
There is all this talk about not being able to express feelings coming from both adoptees and first mothers. For people who are claiming to be "silenced" they are sure making a lot of noise.
Reply

Replies

  1. just a thought: Lori might be expressing her feelings about how natural mothers are treated here by some adoptees after they express an opinion of frustration with their children. A lot of attacking goes on. from what I've seen, that 's not the way it is at adoptee blogs/ mothers don;t comment unless in total agreement with the writer. here at FMF adoptees feel free to attack mothers. that may be what Lori is saying.
  2. @ Anon 3:21
    Even if that was the case, which is isn't, it is still not a good reason for not supporting adoptee rights.
  3. You r right. Maybe Lori meant that she wouldn't get out there and get involved in working for adoptee rights. Which is sad.

Lisa,

As I got these comments at work today, I have a great deal of time to think about it... And of course, I have considered it carefully.  First, while I find it interesting that you "quoted" me - I also find it normal that you willfully chose to misunderstand or undervalue the words I chose.  You are a bully.  You can't seem to understand that your rights are no more important than those of anyone else.  You are not special in any way, barring that little thing - adoption.

Because of that little thing, you assume the right to tell me what I may and may not choose to stand up for because I am a First Mother.  This is bigotry at it's most refined.  Bullies are usually bigots as well.

The fact is you proved my point in your second statement - that my reason was not good enough and that for someone who claims to be silenced, I talk alot.  You are mean spirited, cold and truly one of the reasons that I choose not to enter into your fight - or rather re-enter into that fight to be allowed to have your NOT LEGAL documents.  Please note I did say "not legal" and not "incorrect" documents.

You judged me like so many others on the basis of your right as an adopted person to tell me, the abandoner piece of shit, what to do and what I should feel.

For those of you that defended me, thank you.  But I fully meant what I said.  I do not have to defend my right to support whatever cause I choose, for my reasons and my reasons alone - or, to not support a cause.

I will not explain further - it is none of your business, Lisa, just as it was not your right to talk to me, another human being, as if you are somehow better or more valuable than I am.  Be well and get over yourself.  Adoptees are not the only children in the world treated like commodities.

Annon - Actually you were right in the first place - you should not have backed off.... Lisa is a bully and had no right to judge me in the first place.

Again, Lisa, be well... and remember this conversation every time you see a mother walk away from your fight.

Alone....

Again, I am alone.  I am not even surprised now.  After all, it is what happens when you are unwanted.  I find it hilarious that some people still act as if it matters.  I don't care anymore.... maybe I will get lucky and die - then I can be with Carlos.

But the rest, it is ludicrous.

Life Ends

Life ends, not with the bang, not with bells and whistles or parties,
Life ends with a whisper, a sad little sigh that only those that truly love can hear,
Life ends, not as it began, with the joy of being,
Life ends.... quietly, without love, light or joy....
Life ends.... it simply stops.

(c) Lori K Trevino 6/09/2016

Sunday, May 22, 2016

On Owning Your Own Mistakes and Learning From Them

I haven't written in a long time.  Mostly because writing seems to be a catalyst for the negativity that others feel the need to spew over me, including those that claim to not want to be in my bubble...which makes sharing things difficult for me now.  But this time, I feel the need....

I often wondered how children got so messed up today.  How they managed to learn that "body beautiful" was more important than "love, kindness, joy, laughter, being real, loving life" or any of the other things that make it all worthwhile.  Then I started paying attention... to the way they talk to each other, adults, strangers, the world as a whole.... and I learned.

I learned that they don't know how to have/understand emotions much less express them appropriately.  The children, all ages, are taught big words to describe what they are doing, thinking, feeling.....but not really taught what those big words mean.  After all, telling a child that something is inappropriate is probably accurate, but is it something that they actually understand.  Depending on their age, I would say that they don't.  Unfortunately, we are and have been for the last 20 years minimum, been doing just that to our children.

We say "that is inappropriate behavior" - what they hear "that is......yeah, maybe okay....okay, maybe not....wtf?"

We say "consider your words before you say them" - what they hear "you talk too much..."

I am sure you get the point.

The thing is, we also have allowed them to think that they are the more important than their elders.  We, as consumerists, have taught them that they don't need to value that which is not "brand new" because the "brand new" is the only thing that counts.  Then we sit back and wonder why children for the last two generations are so messed up, closed off, and simply unable to function in the world the way it is currently built.

For me, I have to say that fixing this includes owning what I have done that is so very wrong and owning the mistakes that I make.  Not an easy chore.  In fact, pretty damn hard.  For instance, Friday, in an effort to help out a friend and possibly give some of my students something that doesn't include drugs, booze or sex to do over the summer, I allowed a presentation in my room without previewing it.  I should have previewed it.  I no longer have the friend and my students are probably still wondering wtf I thought was going on in my classroom.

Unfortunately, the kind of presentation given was one that was totally geared to teaching my kids that they didn't need to respect their elders, or care about anyone but themselves as a generation.  It culminated in this "friend" undermining my authority in my classroom.  To which I have to own that I trusted the wrong person.  I make excuses, but it is on me.  Then, when I finally got angry, after spending the day wondering "wtf" I blew up - shouted and was furious.... not necessarily at the man, but at myself for not seeing the issues up front.

Worse, one of my kiddos tried to help get him out and I blew at the kiddo too...which was soooo much more than wrong!  I now have to find a way to make up for my childish behavior, which is not as easy as it seems since I have one day to do it.

I am learning, hopefully without causing too much damage, that every word, deed, thought, emotional response in my classroom affects, deeply, a child in my care.  I am also learning from my kiddos that as long as I am myself, that they can accept my flaws.  Therefore, it is even more imperative that I make sure that my students, or any students I come into contact with, know that I respect them.  On the other side of that coin, or possibly because of that, I also know that they must respect me to trust me enough to protect them when necessary. For instance, we have had 4 lock downs this year - all of them real.  My students knew that no matter what, I would protect them and that I was in control of my classroom.

Which leads me to wonder how anyone can think that children are all just little adults - they aren't - and that they don't need guidance by the generations that came before.... I mean, isn't that how history repeats itself?  Isn't that how we end up with people that are unable to function in a world that simply will not tolerate ignorance or inability to adapt?  The idea that "the kids will work it out themselves" is one that I have to wonder how stupid the person is who states it... Even my kids were wondering if the speaker was stoned or just stupid.  Several asked me if he was on drugs..... or just dumb.

For me, I learned.  I learned that my kids rely on me for much more than just English lessons... I learned that my moods, opinions, feelings are so much more important to them than just a momentary collision of my own craziness. I learned that their feelings, needs, wants and the need to meet and understand them is more important to me than almost anything.  I learned so much just watching someone try hard to undermine everything of value in my life, right in front of my eyes.... and I realized something too.  I realized that just because someone is nice doesn't make them good.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

God Will Keep His Promise

I am numb from the pain...
Who am I again?
My friends care, but they are not there...
In the silence,
Trying to find that heart beat,
Strong, pure,
Helping mine remain true,
Beat strong,
What am I now?
Lost, afraid and alone....
Muddling through on belief,
That God will keep his promise and I will be loved....
(C) Lori Trevino. 3/6/16

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Time to consider....

About once a year I come to the conclusion that I need to consider whether or not this blog should continue.....

Why it should:..........

Why it shouldn't:

I no longer need this space to share my thoughts.
I no longer want the connection to my child.
I no longer need the catharsis that is created by my ability to just say it.
I no longer wish to be stalked, labeled and judged by people that have the ability to know me in person if they choose.

I am not willing to share with haters, ragers and stalkers.....

Hmmmmmm.....